I think it's important to tackle the causes of why I did put weight back
on, I've seen all the television shows and the psychological
surrounding "Why am I fat?" but when I was fat before I lost weight
there was never any real reason, I guess I do have on-going esteem
issues, and fat was a way to eliminate myself from being 'looked' at,
I've excluded myself massively from things and being fat was a vicious
circle, it's easy to say "I can't do that" and for my brain to throw
back "Of course you can't, you're fat!"and that's a hard debate to win,
and when I don't want to win it and I'm happy with an excuse of why I
can't, it's impossible to win.
Exercise was beginning to get me out of that pattern of thought,
exercise builds confidence in yourself as a physical entity or machine
that is capable of exceeding in whatever you throw yourself at, because
when you push yourself, whatever the task is, you will succeed in
achieving progress, no matter how small or big -- push yourself enough
and you will succeed.
I dropped weight to around 170lb, around a UK size 16, and I was
beginning to drop into size 14, I had bought size 14 clothes knowing a
few weeks and I'd be wearing them, I have never worn the clothes that
are still hanging in my wardrobe waiting for that fit person to slip
into them.
So why did I suddenly stop?
I don't know, depression hit me massively, some dark place was making
itself seem appealing in my mind, it wasn't about quitting, it wasn't
about it being to hard or to difficult, I just didn't want to be in the
world I was making an effort to be back in it. I look back and it
doesn't seem like a conscious choice. I started drinking beer heavily,
which started ballooning my waist, I don't have a clear memory of
creeping up clothes sizes, but I somehow made my way up to a UK size 22,
which is bigger than when I was 256lb and wearing a UK size 20, and I
think that shows the extent of the damage I did to my body.
Putting on weight just seems like a blur, I remember occasions where my
jacket fitted a bit to tight, or it was worn and I wasn't able to fasten
it up in the Winter, I remember my jeans becoming difficult and
uncomfortable to wear but instead of waking up, I found myself more
comfortable in a size 22.
Just as the nightmare began, it ended, I do not know why I started to
lose weight, and started to exercise again, it was just something that I
woke up one morning and knew again that I couldn't be this way.
Regaining my fitness, and the agility that comes with carrying less
weight around is inspiration enough for me, I don't need pictures of how
fat I was, I need to enjoy the feeling of being able to jump around
like I'm crazy just because I can run, turn, flip, jump, twist and jump
without feeling like I'm lifting a bag of stones with me.
