Sunday, 23 June 2013

New blog

This blog is being started halfway through my journey out of obesity, at least it feels like I’ve reached a half-way point, a lot more posts can be found over at cycling for weightloss and I'm now beginning to see the massive changes to my body as part as the body transformation that occurs when losing weight.

This time I haven't documented my weight-loss in images, I'm aware it is motivation to others, and maybe even myself, but I've done that before, I did that when I dropped from 256lbs down to 170lbs and then piled it back on to 220lbs, so even though it is motivational it didn't stop me from gaining weight again.

I think it's important to tackle the causes of why I did put weight back on, I've seen all the television shows and the psychological surrounding "Why am I fat?" but when I was fat before I lost weight there was never any real reason, I guess I do have on-going esteem issues, and fat was a way to eliminate myself from being 'looked' at, I've excluded myself massively from things and being fat was a vicious circle, it's easy to say "I can't do that" and for my brain to throw back "Of course you can't, you're fat!"and that's a hard debate to win, and when I don't want to win it and I'm happy with an excuse of why I can't, it's impossible to win.

Exercise was beginning to get me out of that pattern of thought, exercise builds confidence in yourself as a physical entity or machine that is capable of exceeding in whatever you throw yourself at, because when you push yourself, whatever the task is, you will succeed in achieving progress, no matter how small or big -- push yourself enough and you will succeed. 

I dropped weight to around 170lb, around a UK size 16, and I was beginning to drop into size 14, I had bought size 14 clothes knowing a few weeks and I'd be wearing them, I have never worn the clothes that are still hanging in my wardrobe waiting for that fit person to slip into them. 

So why did I suddenly stop?

I don't know, depression hit me massively, some dark place was making itself seem appealing in my mind, it wasn't about quitting, it wasn't about it being to hard or to difficult, I just didn't want to be in the world I was making an effort to be back in it. I look back and it doesn't seem like a conscious  choice. I started drinking beer heavily, which started ballooning my waist, I don't have a clear memory of creeping up clothes sizes, but I somehow made my way up to a UK size 22, which is bigger than when I was 256lb and wearing a UK size 20, and I think that shows the extent of the damage I did to my body.

Putting on weight just seems like a blur, I remember occasions where my jacket fitted a bit to tight, or it was worn and I wasn't able to fasten it up in the Winter, I remember my jeans becoming difficult and uncomfortable to wear but instead of waking up, I found myself more comfortable in a size 22.

Just as the nightmare began, it ended, I do not know why I started to lose weight, and started to exercise again, it was just something that I woke up one morning and knew again that I couldn't be this way. 

Regaining my fitness, and the agility that comes with carrying less weight around is inspiration enough for me, I don't need pictures of how fat I was, I need to enjoy the feeling of being able to jump around like I'm crazy just because I can run, turn, flip, jump, twist and jump without feeling like I'm lifting a bag of stones with me.

“One never stops climbing, Julie, unless he wants to stop and vegetate. There’s always something just ahead.”
Irene Hunt, Up a Road Slowly 

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